Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay...

Dentists are very purple. The most purple you can get out of all doctor types. You probably have no idea what I am talking about and that will be because you've never seen the Doctor Spectrum.

The Doctor Spectrum is quite a hidden thing and until recently, well I had often dismissed it for myth. Now unless you are in a doctor-type job, you will never see it. When you are sworn in as a doctor and the initiation rituals conducted, you are shown the spectrum and then told the rules of it. The first two rules should be familiar to you all as they were stolen and used in the script of the movie "Fight Club".

Rule 1. You do not talk about the Doctor Spectrum.
Rule 2. You DO NOT talk about the Doctor Spectrum.

Anywho, recently I spoke to a disgruntled doctor who was upset that his girlfriend was the subject of many a joke by colleagues. As you might guess, his girlfriend was a dentist. In order to get his own back, he wanted to break the rules and let this key information be spread about so that he might get his own back.

This doctor was a brave man. He fought tooth and nail to escape and bring to me this spectrum I am about to show you. Alas he was not a smart man as now the whole world will have more ammunition to berate dentists with, his girlfriend included.

It is a spectrum based on the colour spectrum. It categorises doctors on how cool they are in relation to colour. Purple, as we know, is uncool and becomes one extreme of the scale. Red is super cool, and becomes the other extreme.

For the sake of this post (it ruins the format more in its original form), I have simplified it to show some key doctor-types rather than the multitude on the original. I shall go on to sum up the book that accompanies it.

(click on the image to see the full size)

So now you may ask why this is. Why have doctors come to this consensus? In part it is due to laziness on the part of the community of doctors and the time constraints they are placed under.

Basically, the community see dentists as scaremongers who have two main motives. Firstly, they want to try and sell more toothbrushes. Contrary to popular belief, dentists get commission from each brush sold.

On top of this they love gadgets. The more brushes sold, the greater the excuse to produce newer hi-tech ones with bristels running in as many directions as possible on a 180° face. The tongue scraper is the newest fascination. If you continue to buy a new toothbrush every 3 months, well they'll start to become more fancy and incorporate iPods and mobile phones all in one small brush head.

Secondly, and probably more importantly to dentists is that they can practice DIY as they work. You are told whatever it takes for them to get you to drill your teeth.

Dentist: Sir, I need to drill your tooth?
Patient: Why?
Dentist: There is a cavity in it.
Patient: If there is a hole in it, why do you wish to drill more?
Dentist: Erm... your logic has left me no choice. Sir, your tooth is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. It's stiff, bereft of life. It rests in peace. If you hadn't left it in your gum it'd be pushing up the daisies. Its metabolic processes are now history. It's off the twig. It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisibile. This is an ex-tooth.
Patient: ...
Dentist: ...
Patient: Just drill the bloody thing if it'll make you stop quoting Monty Python at me.
Dentist does the happy dance.

So we've established that they are dirty cheaters, it's time to join hands and dismiss some myths.

Myth: Toothbrushes should be changed every three months.

Now it is assumed this is on the recommendation of brushing 2-3 times a day. Don't be a chump. You don't need to brush that many times a day. Brush once a day and extend the life of your toothbrush. You can get away with changing it once every 9 months. Let's face it, brushing at night sorts you out for the time you are asleep, the morning after and the rest of the day.

It's not as if you've eaten a few meals whilst sleeping so there is no real need to brush again but to waste time. All you need to do is buy a box of tic-tacs. Brush at night, then pop a tic-tac or two in the morning.


Myth: You should visit the dentist regularly.

Don't be silly. You should only go when you mouth aches beyond belief. The only reason they want people to go in regular is so that there is a constant supply of victims. It's an excuse to drag you in so that they can pretend they are Laurence Llewelyn Bowen and go to town in your mouth with their drill.

A note to cope with the pain in your mouth, stab your leg or hand. The pain you feel from that should mask the pain in your mouth. Whilst at the hospital a "cool" doctor may be able to prescribe you demerol or morphine or something.


Myth: The nurse is there to assist the dentist.

Well this is true in part. The nurses are there to help alright but not in the way you think. They are part of the smoke and mirrors act.

First, you'll notice the nurse in a short, tight skirt (for females you'll notice tight fitting hotpants on a male nurse). Then you'll get sweet talked by them to make it seem as if they are interested. You'll then notice they are very clumsy, constantly dropping their clipboard. The final act they carry out is to bend over, pushing their buttocks out in your direction mesmerising you. It is at this point the dentist grabs his drill and redecorates your mouth in a art-deco style. Beware.


Well hopefully that dispells some myths and shows dentists in their true light away from the sweet talking they do in front of you.