West Slang

So after having been thrown out of a pub for trying to make off with the publicians buxom wench and generally trying to plunder some booty, I'm ready for some more ranting. It all stems from what has been an infuriating few wednesdays but it holds for so much more than just this instance.

Each wednesday for a while, I've sat down to enjoy Lost on Channel 4. Each week I marvel at how a programme that's scheduled for an hour and five minutes can be so messed around.

The first complaint is the general time keeping. It's due to begin at 22:00 but generally starts 4-5 minutes late. Not a huge problem as it gives you a few minutes to get ready when you realise it's hit 22:00.

The main complaint I have is the way ad breaks are scheduled. After watching about nine minutes we get an ad break. Great because after nine minutes, I've lost all concentration and need 5 minutes of adverts to catch my second wind. The wednesday gone was particularly bad, we got an ad break after four minutes. Bloody marvellous.

In total, we have to endure 3 ad breaks in addition to seeing that the programme is sponsored. Surely being sponsored means there can be fewer ad breaks?

It's all become very silly and it only seems to be getting worse. It's getting to a point where our ad breaks will become punctuated by programming rather than programming punctuated by adverts.

We're already seeing the credits of a programme talked over, we also now see the credits forced into a smaller box to let the rest of the screen advertise the programme following as well as anything else they wish.

On top of this we have television channels which brand and show their logo in the top corner. Despite being engrossed in whatever programme I'm watching, I can still remember what channel I am viewing. I don't need the corner of the screen obstructing the show, especially when it blocks up text of said show.

It's all part of the supposed dumbing down of television. There's a case for catering for everyone but you don't need to think that everyone has the attention span of a goldfish and the intelligence to match. Every other show doesn't need to be the clone of some TV reality programme or prying into the private lives of celebrities.

It's a sorry state right now and I for one would like a return to the sensibilities of old.

Avast me hearties 'n' grab ye Jolly Roger

Ahoy me hearties! I be swashbucklin' Buccanner Mad Dog Nat.

Arrr, some o' ye filthly landlubbers may know this day be "International Talk Like A Pirate Day".

Ye ought set sail fer international waters o' Ol' Chum Bucket's and Cap'n Slappy's interweb page fer untold booty to plunder. Ye who be from European seas can plunder Mad Cap'n Tom's interweb.

Ye scurvy dogs beware, keep away from me booty, lest ye be keelhauled.

Little More Than Before [Slip Out]

The hottest news in gaming right now must surely be Nintendo finally unveiling the Revolution controller. If some other topic relating to gaming is currently on top of your agenda, then your agenda needs altering. What follows is largely straight off the top of my head as I think and right about this announcement.

Earlier today Nintendo (NCL) went ahead and showed us what they had been keeping back. Whether they really were scared of people copying their ideas or not, it had created an aura around what exactly they had in store for us. When I read an interview with Yuji Naka a little while back and his reaction to the controller I became very interested in what had been created. He mentioned nothing specific due to a non-disclosure agreement but it was going to match NCL's recent penchant for fresh new ideas to engage old and new gamers alike.

So whilst watching a stream of the press conference, the first real thought I had was just after Iwata referred to the controller as nunchucks (with the analogue plug-in). I thought "controller-chucks, yo" but not much else formed.

After the conference was over I sat back and thought about it all.

What are NCL playing at giving us what is effectively a remote control? How the heck will I be able to play Ocarina of Time on it? Not only that but how would I be able to play A Link to the Past with the four face buttons spread all over?

Well, remote controls are everywhere. You'll have one for your TV, DVD player, VCR, satellite/cable/Freeview, amplifier/stereo system and I'm only thinking of the living room. The controller will look right at home next to your TV remote, it probably looks nicer than any other remote you have.

The controller is another in step in NCL's new thinking of making things simpler for everyone, gamer and non-gamer alike. It has taken the ideas behind the DS and implemented them into a console setting. I'm a big fan of the DS and what NCL have set out to do with the machine. Take a conventional idea/design and tailor it for gaming. The move to the DS is simple as writing and drawing with a pen is so well ingrained into us.

This time round NCL have gone a few steps farther and really worked all aspects. The remote is ingrained into us with so many devices using it. You point at the device and click away. First they've removed the traditional IR and replacing it with an RF sensor, so like the Wavebird you can go into the next room and control the Revolution. They built on this idea by replacing the IR sensor into a motion detector. You can point at the screen and the movements made on the controller translate. Forget other promises, this is true analogue control.

They've thought about the promise of allowing us access to a back catalgoue of games from all generations of NCL consoles. From the outset you can see the NES influence and you have no worries about playing Super Mario Bros but what about those who want to play Super Mario World or even Mario 64?

That's where our plug-ins come in. So the bottom of the controller allows us to plug-in an extension that gives us an analogue stick that looks like the GC one and has two buttons on the top, similar to how we have the Z-button configuration but looking like naturally fitting the grip taken to hold the stick. We're not sure exactly how we'll be able to configure buttons about on the initial controller but it seems as if we may need a few more buttons.

The good news is that it was alluded to that there could be potential for more variations of the plug-in to customise the controller. Who knows we may have replicas of the pads of old which allows us to slot the controller into, we may even get arcade sticks which allows the controller to plug into. This is conservative thinking right now, as the scope is huge for what pads we may see. The possibility is there for games to come out with custom pads should it be required that plug into the controller that builds on top of the existing functionality.

With so much to think about I am still rambling on about possibilities. My mind is still up in the air as to what NCL have actually done and I'll definitely be making more posts about the controller with a more focused set of ideas. Even so I know two things for sure. One is that I absolutely love the scope this pad has and I really wish to try this out as soon as I can.

The second thing I know for sure is that we are truly seeing a revolution from NCL.

Changes

Last week I commented on the slump in cinema receipts. This started turning cogs in my head and as I looked towards the future of home cinema, I thought about a similar situation.

Once upon a time, when I was young and you were younger, coin-ops ruled the video game market. Games would come out in the arcade and you would marvel at them. Some time later you would see a port made to a home console, which was vastly inferior.

I guess it was sometime during the 16-bit era when we first started to see ports of games which were arcade perfect. There was a boost in power in the arcades but with the new consoles, it was diminishing returns in terms of power. We're at a point when current consoles are used as the basis of the new boards.

Home consoles were able to produce experiences that could rival or match the arcade machines. Light guns became common, as did steering wheels. It's not far-fetched to produce one-off peripherals for games. We saw it with Samba de Amigo on the Dreamcast, whereas with the Dance Mat we have seen more than one game take advantage of it. The same can be said of the bongos released with Donkey Konga on the Gamecube and the Eye Toy on the PS2.

Looking at it now, the arcades have definitely taken a back seat to home gaming. We still get the big games released in the arcades but it's definitely left to the biggest games that have traditionally remained draws to the arcade, namely racers, shoot-em-ups and beat-em-ups.

So now we look at the movies. Cinemas have long been the focal point yet we're seeing drops in attendance attributed to DVDs. With DVDs we are now able to experience movies in a way VHS could not manage. It gives us crisp image quality (arguably better than the cinema) and Dolby Surround/DTS sound (not to mention the extra features that are so popular now).

Whilst we've been able to reproduce cinema experiences in the past, technology has caught up and made it a lot easy for anyone to do, argubly easier than recreation of the arcade experience at home.

All TVs are usually showing off the ability to produce Dolby/DTS sound out of the box, negating any extra peripherals. Our TVs are also becoming larger and larger whilst being slim enough to hang on our walls. On top of this we are now on the verge of HDTV taking off and either Blu-Ray or HD-DVD, further pushing the envelope.

Maybe cinema can look at the way the arcade market has sort to distinguish itself aside from the big games. We have cabinets which contain technology that is not currently viable in the home or seek to further enhance the experience. For example, F-Zero makes use of a cabinet that rocks you about as you play. Outrun 2 SP also has a cabinet that reacts to your driving rocking you about.

More cinemas therefore should start to embrace digital projectors. I love the picture that we currently get in cinema and I am a big fan of analogue technologies. However, it may help draw in audiences who are as big on going to the movies. Picture quality would improve and the consistency from cinema to cinema would be constant. It'd be a noticeable and tangible change, bringing it more into line with the clarity offered by DVD.

Aside from the actual movie itself, how about making the seating that more comfortable and luxurious. Why not make sitting in a cinema seat, an armchair away from home?

There's probably a whole lot more similarities here and lessons that could be applied. Who knows the cross over of ideas may work both ways.

Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay...

Dentists are very purple. The most purple you can get out of all doctor types. You probably have no idea what I am talking about and that will be because you've never seen the Doctor Spectrum.

The Doctor Spectrum is quite a hidden thing and until recently, well I had often dismissed it for myth. Now unless you are in a doctor-type job, you will never see it. When you are sworn in as a doctor and the initiation rituals conducted, you are shown the spectrum and then told the rules of it. The first two rules should be familiar to you all as they were stolen and used in the script of the movie "Fight Club".

Rule 1. You do not talk about the Doctor Spectrum.
Rule 2. You DO NOT talk about the Doctor Spectrum.

Anywho, recently I spoke to a disgruntled doctor who was upset that his girlfriend was the subject of many a joke by colleagues. As you might guess, his girlfriend was a dentist. In order to get his own back, he wanted to break the rules and let this key information be spread about so that he might get his own back.

This doctor was a brave man. He fought tooth and nail to escape and bring to me this spectrum I am about to show you. Alas he was not a smart man as now the whole world will have more ammunition to berate dentists with, his girlfriend included.

It is a spectrum based on the colour spectrum. It categorises doctors on how cool they are in relation to colour. Purple, as we know, is uncool and becomes one extreme of the scale. Red is super cool, and becomes the other extreme.

For the sake of this post (it ruins the format more in its original form), I have simplified it to show some key doctor-types rather than the multitude on the original. I shall go on to sum up the book that accompanies it.

(click on the image to see the full size)

So now you may ask why this is. Why have doctors come to this consensus? In part it is due to laziness on the part of the community of doctors and the time constraints they are placed under.

Basically, the community see dentists as scaremongers who have two main motives. Firstly, they want to try and sell more toothbrushes. Contrary to popular belief, dentists get commission from each brush sold.

On top of this they love gadgets. The more brushes sold, the greater the excuse to produce newer hi-tech ones with bristels running in as many directions as possible on a 180° face. The tongue scraper is the newest fascination. If you continue to buy a new toothbrush every 3 months, well they'll start to become more fancy and incorporate iPods and mobile phones all in one small brush head.

Secondly, and probably more importantly to dentists is that they can practice DIY as they work. You are told whatever it takes for them to get you to drill your teeth.

Dentist: Sir, I need to drill your tooth?
Patient: Why?
Dentist: There is a cavity in it.
Patient: If there is a hole in it, why do you wish to drill more?
Dentist: Erm... your logic has left me no choice. Sir, your tooth is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. It's stiff, bereft of life. It rests in peace. If you hadn't left it in your gum it'd be pushing up the daisies. Its metabolic processes are now history. It's off the twig. It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisibile. This is an ex-tooth.
Patient: ...
Dentist: ...
Patient: Just drill the bloody thing if it'll make you stop quoting Monty Python at me.
Dentist does the happy dance.

So we've established that they are dirty cheaters, it's time to join hands and dismiss some myths.

Myth: Toothbrushes should be changed every three months.

Now it is assumed this is on the recommendation of brushing 2-3 times a day. Don't be a chump. You don't need to brush that many times a day. Brush once a day and extend the life of your toothbrush. You can get away with changing it once every 9 months. Let's face it, brushing at night sorts you out for the time you are asleep, the morning after and the rest of the day.

It's not as if you've eaten a few meals whilst sleeping so there is no real need to brush again but to waste time. All you need to do is buy a box of tic-tacs. Brush at night, then pop a tic-tac or two in the morning.


Myth: You should visit the dentist regularly.

Don't be silly. You should only go when you mouth aches beyond belief. The only reason they want people to go in regular is so that there is a constant supply of victims. It's an excuse to drag you in so that they can pretend they are Laurence Llewelyn Bowen and go to town in your mouth with their drill.

A note to cope with the pain in your mouth, stab your leg or hand. The pain you feel from that should mask the pain in your mouth. Whilst at the hospital a "cool" doctor may be able to prescribe you demerol or morphine or something.


Myth: The nurse is there to assist the dentist.

Well this is true in part. The nurses are there to help alright but not in the way you think. They are part of the smoke and mirrors act.

First, you'll notice the nurse in a short, tight skirt (for females you'll notice tight fitting hotpants on a male nurse). Then you'll get sweet talked by them to make it seem as if they are interested. You'll then notice they are very clumsy, constantly dropping their clipboard. The final act they carry out is to bend over, pushing their buttocks out in your direction mesmerising you. It is at this point the dentist grabs his drill and redecorates your mouth in a art-deco style. Beware.


Well hopefully that dispells some myths and shows dentists in their true light away from the sweet talking they do in front of you.

Ice Hockey Hair

What is up with haircuts?

Today I went to get my hair cut but I noticed an odd thing there during my time.

It seems only natural that the longer your hair gets, the longer it takes in the barbers to have it attended to. I would also think that people with the shortest hair would usually get their head shaved in the quickest amount of time. People with hair length in between would figure somewhere in between the time it takes long/short hair.

So why is it that people who are getting their hair cut really short take just as long, if not longer? Do the barbers feel they need to make up the lack of time spent talking about your next holiday and take longer to cut hair short?

It seems that to be able to get in and out of the barbers in the quickest possible time, you need shortish hair about 3 inches in length, to be able to get in and out within 5-10 minutes.

Unlimited

So yet another summer slump has been reported. Although this time it's a little closer to my heart.

As described in the article on BBC News, the number of people visiting US cinemas during the summer has been the lowest since 1997. Many are saying they would rather watch a movie at home on DVD or TV than going to the cinema.

It is indeed a sad day when this is the concensus although I can understand why.

Cinemas vary in quality. You'll get some great ones in the West End but the further out of London you go, the worse they usually are. Screens aren't as big, seats are broken/ripped, sound and picture quality varies, some of the films you want to see aren't shown, prices can be hefty.

Then comes the actual movie. There will be people who fidget, constantly talk, mobile phones going off, people getting up and going to the toilets at key points and children crying.

Compare this to renting a movie. You get the movie for three days which you can watch when most convenient. You don't have to worry about people talking in the middle, fidgeting, going to the toilet or anything else. It's most likely a family member or friend so you can give them a good whack to sort their act out. Whilst you won't get a huge screen, you will get great quality from a DVD as well as most likely having a good surround system.

On top of this, there is not really a long delay once a movie has premiered. The major movies come out about six months after the cinema release and packed with tons of extras.

In fact it sounds as if there is no redeeming point for going to watch movies in a cinema. Yet there is so much to gain from it which far outweigh the annoyances.

Firstly, the sheer scale of the screen creates more of a spectacle. Whilst some movies work equally well on the small screen, it's always something else seeing it on a large screen. On top of this the sound can be turned upto 11 without the worry of plaster falling of your walls or your neighbours.

Secondly, and more importantly, you aren't going to be able to feel the buzz and hype around movies. One of my best experiences came after catching the midnight premiere of Star Wars Episode II. Whilst the movie may not have been the best, it was an electric atmosphere throughout. People dressed up as characters from the movie, Anthony Daniels (C3PO) coming out to talk before the start (I think Rick McCallum was there also). During the movie we had the audience going crazy at various sequences.

I grant you that this is not the case for every single movie, but there is always some level of buzz generated from everyone waiting for the movie to begin and then when it start, the reactions to scenes. You can get this at home but nowhere near the same scale as in a cinema.

It's been a masterstroke to have invested in a cinema pass. Now I'll go watch any and all movies on the big screen, not only because I can but because despite the minor annoyances (which are sometimes non-existant), you can certaintly have a lot more fun.